Break Time
I need a break.
At least, that’s what I thought when I dragged myself out of bed this morning after a whopping two hours of sleep.
Apparently, waking your four-month-old up at nine o’clock to watch the DVRed LOST finale with you is not the wisest of plans. Turns out, it’s sorta like investing 121 hours of your life in a crappy television show.
A dumbass move.
So I spent the bulk of last night shuffling from our room to Lil Mil’s nursery, determined not to undo all our hard work by getting her out of her crib. I showed her who was boss, alright. She stayed in her crib, and I stayed awake listening to her angry protests, voiced every 18 to 22 minutes, all night long. It was a win-win.
Around 4 a.m., it finally got quiet. I’m going to pretend it’s because Lil Mil fell asleep, but I’m fairly sure Husband got up and shut her door.
Staring blearily at my computer screen this morning, wishing I could pour my coffee down my throat so that I wouldn’t have to expend the energy to actually drink it, I decided it was time to hire a babysitter. So I dug out the various names and phone numbers friends have given me and called one. Score. She was free on Friday.
Buoyed, I set off to meet my friend S for coffee. Last night’s sleep deprivation was working its magic on my little night tyrant, who had now lapsed into the ultra cute I’m-so-tired-I’m-just-going-to-stare-straight-ahead-mode. Aware that her sleepy stares are the calm before the I’m-too-tired-to-do-anything-but-scream storm, I hurried to get us both into the car and on our way before she had a meltdown. The timing was perfect: I started the car just as she was getting fussy, and by the time I pulled out of our driveway, she was out.
She woke up twenty minutes later, just as S and I were settling into our chairs. I could tell she was still sleepy, so I pulled her out of her carseat onto my lap, where she sat quietly while S and I talked about the joys and struggles of being work-at-home moms. The juggling act. The time crunch. How much we would get done if we just had a regular babysitter. Not every day, but once a week. Okay, twice. Twice would be good.
As we were talking, a woman came through the door. She smiled at me as she headed for the counter to order her coffee. It was the smile of a fellow mom. I smiled back. When she passed back through on her way out, she stopped.
“How old?” she asked. I told her. “Mine’s nine months,” she said. I smiled. Made some comment about how fun that must be. “So fun,” she agreed.
“I hate being away from her,” she said then. “People always ask me, ‘don’t you want a break?’ And the truth is, I don’t.” She shrugged, flashing a happy smile. “I don’t want a break.”
I looked down at Lil Mil. Her little face was turned upward, staring at me.
Suddenly, neither did I.
(But I’ll take one, anyway.)
Amber
Wednesday, 26 May, 2010 at 19:53I think I feel the need for a break more during those first 5 months than I do now that mine is 7 months. The incessant crying, the lack of sleep, and the constant holding is very demanding. When my little guy started to sit up on his own, I felt like I was getting more and more breaks, even though I was never leaving the house. Isn’t that strange?
I am leaving my little girl for the first time in a long time. I am really nervous because I will miss her! Wah! Still, my husband reminded me that this is important. It is okay to do something that I enjoy without my kids (even if one will still be with me) (nursing).
I hope that I will be better when I come back. (Crossing my fingers.)
Missy
Wednesday, 26 May, 2010 at 13:04Oh, definitely take a break!! You’ll miss her and be so happy to see her when you walk in the door. But that break? It will be heavenly.
I get it, though, the feeling of wanting to enjoy, absorb, memorize every second of their little lives. The time goes too fast. (A cliche for a reason – it’s TRUE.) Without a break it gets very hard to be present, and even harder to absorb everything since your brain begins to turn to mush.
Were you looking for people to type, emphatically, “TAKE A BREAK!”?? Sorry if this is a bunch of unsolicited advice. Hope you find a good balance for you and for Lil Mil.
lucy
Wednesday, 26 May, 2010 at 12:53This was so sweet! I can totally relate. I am a work-at-home mom too and I hate being away from my little one (also 4 months old). In fact, the longest I’ve been away from her is 25 minutes when I went on a run. I even take her to farmer’s market where I sell my teas.
My birthday is on Friday and my best friend was wondering if I should get a babysitter so that I can “have a break.” I told her that I didn’t want to be away from my daughter. I have more fun with my baby than without. Motherhood is such a blessing!
Rudri
Wednesday, 26 May, 2010 at 11:23You need a break. Don’t be afraid to take it. I have no mom guilt associated with breaks – I think I am a better mom because of it. It makes the reunion with my daughter sweeter and I carve out some much needed me time for my sanity and hers.
Rebecca @ Diary of a Virgin Novelist
Wednesday, 26 May, 2010 at 10:02Having a break will just make the reunions all the sweeter!
Christine LaRocque
Wednesday, 26 May, 2010 at 9:43I don’t believe her for ONE minute. No way, no how. Sure they are cute, and obviously we love them, and need them and want them in our life. But we are all only human and a break is only natural. When you are tired, when they’re having a difficult stretch temperamentally, when you just need to feel like an adult, these are all good reasons to give yourself a break. But the thing is, as a mom, you don’t need a specific reason, you just need to know that it is important to honour yourself. Children are but one part of us, so if they are with us always they use up too much of us. This I do believe.
Leslie
Wednesday, 26 May, 2010 at 20:21I agree completely. Even on evenings after work, when I haven’t seen him all day, I take little breaks from my son. They are unofficial, and unattended by babysitters, but they are breaks. It’s only natural – and necessary.
One way I make myself feel better about leaving him behind for drinks and dinner is by focusing on being active and engaged with him until we leave – and by remembering that time spent safely with new people is time well spent for a growing, learning little person.
Eva @ Eva Evolving
Wednesday, 26 May, 2010 at 8:26Wow, what a revelation. Like it kind of sneaked up on you. A truth that was hidden below the surface – obscured by your very exhausting night – but then all it took was another mom’s words to shine a light on how you feel.
But… sometimes you need a break. Don’t feel guilty about taking one!