I meant to write about Five for Ten on Friday, so that by the time today arrived, you would know all about the Momalom duo and their quest to foster connection and conversation. I wanted to tell you how important I think these things are and how cool I think it is that that Jen and Sarah have made it so simple. Give five minutes. Get five minutes. Connect. Converse. I wanted to do these things last week so that I could encourage some of you (all of you?) to participate.
Best laid plans.
So here I am today, forced to rely on the old “click HERE and HERE to find out what Five for Ten is all about.” I could blame my book (it being Day #99 and all), but I won’t, because it’s not the reason I didn’t post on Friday. I didn’t post on Friday because I didn’t write on Friday. Not a word. It was Day #96 and I took the day off. And then I took the next day off. And the next one, too.
Does that mean you’ve already finished the book? you ask excitedly. Expectantly.
I just smile mysteriously.
On first glance, you might think this is the smile of a pleased, confident person. A person who has finished ahead of schedule. But if you look closer, you’ll notice that this smile of mine has an edge.
Because it’s forced.
I am wearing the tight, oh-crap-what-have-I-done smile of a person who lives in a world where time is limited and moments are fleeting. A place where opportunities are easily missed. A universe where once-in-a-lifetime means exactly that.
No, I did not finish ahead of schedule. I wanted – needed! – days 96, 97 and 98. But I wanted something else more.
I wanted to spend Friday morning having a talking-really-talking conversation with Husband.
I wanted to spend Friday afternoon on the couch with Mom and Lil Mil.
I wanted to spend Friday evening at happy hour with my family, drinking white wine and munching on sweet potato fries.
I wanted to spend Saturday (yes, all of it) cleaning out my closet with Mom, laughing at the bubblegum pink mini dress I wore on New Years’ Eve the year I met Husband and the scores of lingerie I got at my bachelorette party and have never worn.
I wanted to spend Saturday evening talking to Dad about the post-Day #100 future of this blog.
And I wanted to spend Sunday celebrating my daughter’s baptism, exactly one year after she came into my life.
I wanted to do these things. I also wanted to spend the weekend finishing my book. But I wanted to do these things more.
So here it is Monday morning, Day #99, the day before my big deadline, and I am forcing a smile. Telling myself that I made the right choice, that those things I did mattered more than game plans and word counts. Reminding myself that the smile I wore yesterday wasn’t forced at all. Because it wasn’t. And if I had it to do over again, I would choose to spend my weekend exactly the way I spent it. Not pursuing my big dream. Not chasing my passion. But cleaning my closet. Eating with my family. Sitting on my couch. Watching days 96, 97, and 98 pass by.
This is hard for me to admit.
Setting big goals, pursuing big dreams, taking big risks – we don’t hesitate to call those acts courageous. They look courageous. They feel courageous. Deciding to spend a Saturday afternoon cleaning your closet, that doesn’t look or feel anything like courageous. It looks and feels… sorta lame. Very average. Painfully ordinary.
And you know what? It is. Average. Ordinary. There is nothing extraordinary about the existence of messy closet or the desire to clean it. Just like there is nothing extraordinary about a meal with family. Or an afternoon on the couch. There is, however, something quite extraordinary about finishing a novel. And yet, I chose to do the ordinary things instead.
Because I wanted to.
Which makes me look and feel … sorta lame. Very average. Painfully ordinary.
Because I am.
Not always. But sometimes.
I am ordinary. An ordinary person who enjoys doing ordinary things.
These words, they scare me. I don’t want to be ordinary. And I certainly don’t want to be perceived as ordinary. By you. By Husband. By Lil Mil.
It takes courage to be extraordinary. But it takes courage to be ordinary, too.
It takes courage to be real.
+ + + +
(Do you struggle with feeling ordinary? To you make an effort to to be extraordinary? Is it hard for you to acknowledge the parts of yourself that you think make you less desirable? Do you agree that it takes courage to be real? Are you participating in Five for Ten? If not, you should! Hop on over to Momalom and sign up! For those of you who aren’t into clicking, here’s the deal: if you will commit to spend five minutes at Embrace the Detour for ten days in a row (and leave a comment!), then I will do the same on your blog. What if you don’t have a blog? It doesn’t matter! Leave me a comment and I will spend at least five minutes emailing you back. The whole point is to make connections and start conversations. We all need both!)