Happy Mommy
Yesterday, in a theater crowded with more babies than mommies (yay fertility drugs!), Lil’ Mil and I saw Sex and the City 2. There’s a scene towards the end of the movie when Miranda and Charlotte have a mommy-to-mommy moment at the bar in their ridiculously lavish Abu-Dhabi hotel room. If you’ve seen the movie, you no doubt remember this scene.
Up until this point in the movie, the theater was humming with lots of baby noises but very few mommy noises. Quite the contrast to my viewing experience for the first installment, which was a loud, raucous affair. Granted, I saw that one on a Friday night with a group of girlfriends, along with a theater full of other groups of girlfriends. The mid-day mommy crowd was a decidedly less rowdy bunch.
Of course, there’s also the fact that the first movie was actually good.
Anyway – the Miranda/Charlotte scene. It’s a cocktail-induced, talking-really-talking conversation in which Miranda reaches out to Charlotte, mom-to-mom. It takes a little prodding, but Charlotte eventually opens up, and the exchange that follows is everything you’d expect from SATC. Funny. Honest. Real. Taking turns, they say all the things they’re thinking and feeling but aren’t supposed to say. How motherhood isn’t enough. How sometimes it’s too much. How conflicted they feel about feeling conflicted.
There was chuckling in the audience. Followed by more of it. With every line, every revelation, the energy grew.
The moms woke up.
And then Charlotte, abandoning her Happy Mommy smile at last, says, in her trademark Charlotte-y squeal:
“Being a mother is hard!”
“So hard,” Miranda agrees.
“And I have help!” Charlotte says. ”The women without help, how do they do it?!”
Miranda just shakes her head. ”I have no fucking idea,” she says, and then raises her glass. ”To them.”
“To them!” Charlotte echos.
And they drink.
And the moms around me, they cheered.
Being a mother is hard. So hard. Whether you have help or don’t. Whether you’re a SAHM, a WAHM, or a GTWM. Whether you have five kids or one.
And yet, so many times, we play the Charlotte. We smile and pretend that everything’s fine. We pretend that things are perfect.
We pretend that we are perfect.
But.
Our kids aren’t perfect. We aren’t perfect.
Which is why every Charlotte needs a Miranda. Why we, every chance we get, should be Mirandas to each other.
My kid isn’t perfect.
I’m not perfect.
There are moments when I want to put Lil Mil in a closet and lock the door. Or, at the very least, put myself in a closet and lock the door.
Motherhood isn’t enough. Sometimes it is too much.
I feel conflicted about feeling conflicted. So conflicted, in fact, that I’m hesitant to post this. Hesitant to abandon my Happy Mommy smile.
Which is crazy, because I’ve never been a Charlotte. But motherhood has made me one, I think because I so desperately want to be good at this. Better than good. I want to rock at this. I don’t want to stumble and falter as often as I do. And so I plaster on the Happy Mommy smile, hoping that if I wear it long enough, I will somehow morph into the woman I expect myself to be.
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Do you hide behind a Happy Mommy smile? Are there things you don’t say because you don’t want to ruin your Perfect Mommy image? Are you a Charlotte or a Miranda? Has motherhood made you more concerned with perfection (or the image of it) than you were before? What’d you think of SATC2?
Camille
Friday, 18 June, 2010 at 11:31I get so excited on days when everything clicks as far as being a mom goes, but – someone call DFACS! – yesterday was not one of them. I threw my back out trying to get my 2-and-a-half-year-old out of my baby’s exersaucer, promptly hobbled over to the refrigerator, kicked it as hard as I could, and let out a GD. Very nice. I am still trying not to think about all the things I taught my baby girl by reacting like that.
I try and remind myself that the reasons I am really upset have nothing to do with my child: I am in a hurry, trying to do too much at once, frustrated at an adult who said he/she would help and has bailed out on me, etc. I also try and remind myself that the point is not to make mistakes but to rebound immediately, shake off the guilt, learn from it, and do better next time.
And the reason I am posting this is because I think it is so important to let other mothers know that we all make mistakes. Once upon a time, if someone had told me a story like that, I would have smugly thought to myself, “How horrible to curse in front of your child and scare her like that! I would never do that….” Not anymore! >:)
Thanks for another great post, Lauren!
barbaranordlund@gmail.com
Sunday, 13 June, 2010 at 16:52Love this post (minus the fertility drug comment, but you know I’m sensitive about that due to my infertility journey posted on your website).
I wanted to suggest a great book to you, Anne Lamott’s Operating Instructions: A journal of my son’s first year. Raw, honest and comforting. I read it before becoming a mother but appreciated it back then too.
Thanks for sharing your honest post, you’re in good company!
Daneen
Friday, 11 June, 2010 at 22:38I finally finished “cooking” my half-baked post on this very same SATC scene!
http://www.lifewithlilybird.com/home/2010/6/12/moms-without-help.html
I do wonder sometimes how we “moms without help” do it? I imagine a drink with a girlfriend in a $22,000 a night Abu Dhabi hotel room would help!
Belinda Munoz + The Halfway Point
Friday, 11 June, 2010 at 13:08Hi Lauren, wonderful thoughts on a great topic. What are we saying to each other, as women, as mothers, when we hide behind the artificial smile? More importantly, what lies do we tell ourselves, and hope to believe, when we put on the smile?
My son had problems when he was born so I didn’t have the luxury of pretending everything’s okay. Two months later, when I wasn’t so overwhelmed with tears and worry, the genuine smiles returned.
Alisa
Friday, 11 June, 2010 at 12:59It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I make it my mission to be the “Miranda” for all new moms I know because I was so desperate for honesty when I was going through it. I needed a Miranda around and all I got was Charlottes and it made a hard time a lot harder. So. I talk about how hard it is all the time. And I see the relief on new mom’s faces and that makes it worth it. But I understand the desire to want to do this one thing GREAT. So thank you for this post. Btw, haven’t seen SATC yet- my little guy would never sit still for that long!
TheKitchenWitch
Thursday, 10 June, 2010 at 9:01I live in Stepford. Everyone hides behind the mommy smile. I hate it. I guess that’s why I connect more with people in the blog world; they tend to be more honest about how freaking hard (and oftentimes boring) this job is.
Renee
Thursday, 10 June, 2010 at 5:21I saw SATC2 at 10am on Saturday after a particularly tough week mommy-wise. I headed to the theater with an insulated mug full of coffee. There may have been some Bailey’s in there too, but I’ll never tell. By the time this scene started, my eyes had stopped twitching, my toes had uncurled, and my mind was blissfully thought-free. Okay, yes, that was the Bailey’s. I was soaking up the brainless indulgence that was SATC. Then that scene blindsided me. I totally wasn’t prepared for that kind of substance. I laughed, but I cried too. And then I cheered. I will absolutely buy the DVD when it comes out. Because this mommy has had her share of crying in the closet. But I wouldn’t trade it for a second. Wow. I just wrote so much more than I intended. Thanks for another great post, Lauren!
Katie
Wednesday, 9 June, 2010 at 19:37AMEN, girl!
Eva @ Eva Evolving
Wednesday, 9 June, 2010 at 10:14Haven’t seen the movie yet, but can perfectly picture this scene. How great, that SATC addresses this motherhood dilemma!
I’ve always been a Charlotte. Even if I resist it sometimes, it’s pretty clear to my husband and friends. (And isn’t that what we love about SATC, how different and yet lovable each of the four characters are?! We can relate to them in such different ways.) I can only hope and wish for close friends – like Charlotte and Miranda have one another – who allow me to let my guard down.
Daneen
Wednesday, 9 June, 2010 at 9:29I have a half-baked post on this very scene! The theater I was in also applauded at that line. It just really hits home–and the temptation to hide behind a happy smile all the time is so strong in our culture that I find myself doing it even though I’ve tried to be more open and transparent about the challenges that come with the joys.
Dad
Wednesday, 9 June, 2010 at 8:28You do rock.
Missy
Wednesday, 9 June, 2010 at 8:15I’m so glad you posted this. Motherhood is a lot easier when we’re honest about it – and when we are understanding & forgiving toward other mothers. This job is not for the meek and mild. It takes guts!
Don’t feel one bit bad about being conflicted. Some days are pure joy; some days I’m Googling boarding schools. Most days are a mix. And that’s what makes it real. It’s a journey, and as you are well aware, every journey has a few detours.
Rebecca @ Diary of a Virgin Novelist
Wednesday, 9 June, 2010 at 7:26That was THE best scene in the entire movie. I cheered too.
Corinne
Tuesday, 8 June, 2010 at 19:02Hiding behind the mommy smile did me in… I don’t hide there too often anymore, and I’m so much saner (though it might not appear that way to anyone outside of my head!)
Trece
Tuesday, 8 June, 2010 at 18:42I don’t know SATC, so the exact reference escapes me. But – motherhood IS hard. We’ve grown up without our extended families being involved, so everything falls on our shoulders, and we have no external validation.
My mom was not comfortable being a mom. I was no comfortable being a mom. If I had it to do over again, I would not have kids. Suffering PPD 3 times, without knowing what it was, or that there was help, was devastating.
For those who have help, or who are surrounded by helping family, maybe life is not AS hard. But for first-time moms today, hard is as easy as it gets.
(Sorry if I sound bitter).