How Much Do You Weigh? (Day #48)
This post begins with a bathroom scale.
I know you love it already. And by love, I mean hate, because you think this post is about my post-baby weightloss and that bores you.
I’m glad, because it bores me, too.
I don’t have a lot to say about body weight. But I do have something to say about Social Weight, a term I thought I’d created until I googled it:
Social weight: the social consequences arising from technology use by the mobile professional.
I like this definition. It’s not my definition, but it’s close. While my definition has nothing to do with design or mobile professionals (though, btw, how awesome is the term “mobile professional”?) and is not specifically related to the use of technology, it has everything to do with social consequences.
But let me back up. Let me return to the bathroom scale. My bathroom scale, the one I bought the day I found out I was pregnant. My plan was to weigh myself every day during my pregnancy. I read that it was wise to do this. That it was important to be aware of how much you were gaining. That it was good to keep track. This made sense to me.
So I bought the scale and weighed myself every day for about the first three weeks. And then, quite frankly, I didn’t want to know anymore.
It wasn’t that I was gaining too much (I wasn’t). It was just that my weight had begun to occupy space in my mind. Not a lot of space, mind you, since the early days of an unexpected pregnancy give you plenty of other things to think obsess about. But there nonetheless, asserting itself, whatever that day’s number was. As though it meant something. I decided it didn’t, so I stopped getting on the scale. And within a few days, stopped thinking about my number. I spent the rest of my pregnancy in weight-oblivion.
Fast forward ten months. The day before my birthday. I woke up the morning we were supposed to leave for our vacation to find my first blatantly negative blog comment. I’d gotten a few “why are you doing this? you should be enjoying your baby!” emails along the way, but nothing overtly critical. Nothing that stung.
This comment, it stung.
Initially, I approved it, because I wanted to be open to negative feedback. And I am. But after thinking obsessing about it for the rest of the day, I came to the conclusion that it was just too mean. Not even moderately constructive. Intentionally hurtful. Its presence was weighing on my psyche. Dampening my spirit. And so I took it down.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about it. That one negative comment overshadowed every piece of positive feedback I had received so far, and there had been many. More than I could count. But the instant I read that morsel of meanness, I promptly forgot everything nice thing I had heard. It was heavy, that comment. Those words. Not deep or particularly insightful, but weighty in the sense that they weighed me down.
Did he realize this? I wondered. This commenter, was he aware of the weight of his words?
Am I? Or am I walking around in weight-oblivion?
I pictured that bathroom scale. My desire to know my weight and then my decision to avoid knowing it. I suspect that many of you have made the same decision. You’ve decided that it doesn’t matter how much your body weighs. You’ve chosen the bliss of weight-oblivion.
But have we also closed our eyes to the weight of our words? Have we chosen to ignore the heft of our attitudes?
There is a social consequence of our existence. Each of us, I think, has a Social Weight. The more negativity we project, the heavier we are. The more we weigh on other people. The more we bring them down.
Do you know how much you weigh? Do I?
I don’t know about you, but I want to be light. Feather light. I want to be so light that I float. So light that I lift people up with my presence, that I make them float. Maybe even fly.
(Do you stop to think about your social weight? Are there people in your life who always bring you down? Do you find that criticism outweighs all the compliments you’ve received? What’s the meanest thing someone has ever said to you? Did you weigh yourself during your pregnancy?)
Ellen Ingraham
Wednesday, 7 September, 2011 at 6:48Thank you so much for this great post and to all the commenters. I can SO relate to obsessing about the negative. It is one of those experiences in life that really baffles me. Why when I had a mostly stellar 20+ corporate career do I think (obsess) about the ten incidents where I embarrassed myself or was (in my opinion) unfairly criticized?
I am about to embark on a blog and these things scare me. In addition to getting over my fear, it was hard for me to narrow down what to blog about. I have a great opportunity starting on September 13th, and a venue that will allow me to blog about ALL my interests. I am ready and willing to take on those negatorious commenters. Wish me luck!
PS What is the protocol when someone comments on a post that is not current? I seem to do this a lot.
Carrie F. Yarbrough
Sunday, 21 March, 2010 at 16:17Hi,
(I can across your blog through Katherine’s mom’s blog.)
I can relate to this blog post. I work at an art gallery and a few weeks ago I bumped into one of the artists we represent on the street outside of the gallery. The first thing he says to me after he tells me hello is:
“Good Lord, you’ve gained weight. I mean, look at you. I don’t even know what to say….I thought you looked better petite!”
He could not have exaggerated my weight gain more if he tried.
I just stood there staring at him like he was crazy. I weigh 120 pounds. I used to be skinnier in grad school because of stress and I looked sickly. I’m happy with the way I look now. People are rude. Period. I just told him how rude I thought he was and continued walking down the street. Don’t worry about this guy who posted something negative. Honestly, he probably has zero social skills.
Carrie
Lacey
Saturday, 20 March, 2010 at 2:48I am a hardcore Sex and the City addict. There is an episode in which Carrie is confronted with her own “critic” of sorts. It is the girl who dated her ex right after her. Clearly, the girl has less than stellar opinions of her and it eats Carrie alive. She brings up the very same point you do…why, when faced with mostly positivity, we only want to believe the negatives…?
We are imperfect by nature. But we all have great things inside us. Is that on a motivational poster somewhere?
Sarah
Friday, 19 March, 2010 at 19:50Recently I’ve thought about this more and more frequently. In terms of the whole perception-of-other-bloggers aspect. I assume that people are who they say they are. Or mean what they say. Or that the weight I read or hear in their words was intended. Or…whatever, whathaveyou, I could go on forever.
But I am constantly left wondering. Because we don’t really KNOW each other. We want to. We think we do. But we don’t. And with each post and comment written, our social presence grows stronger. But does it carry the weight we want it to? Do others read us for light and honest as we intend to be? Or heavy and dark? It’s so hard to tell.
Yes, I’ve been thinking of this (kind of thing) for a while now.
And ‘mobile professional?” That’s some kind of awesome. I either want one or I want to be one, I can’t tell you which.
Rachel @ MWF Seeking BFF
Friday, 19 March, 2010 at 15:24One of the things I have learned in my short time in the blogosphere is that people love anonymity. Suddenly they could be anyone, and they have no idea who they are putting down, and think it’s ok to call someone an “over-analyzing, judgmental, high-maintenance piece of work” (For example). I experienced this level of nasty when a piece I wrote was posted on CNN.com. It’s a mob mentality, one person skewers you and then suddenly everyone is ready to burn you at the stake! At first I was terribly hurt — because, as you say, one negative outweighs many positives in our minds (it’s scientifically proven!)– but when I was eventually able to realize that while the angry mob was leaving comments, the supportive folk were reaching out personally, sending me emails, I could detach. And the mean ones are never constructive. They’re just mean. And the people who write them DO NOT want to be light. They do it because they consciously want to be heavy, to be noticed somehow, to make a mark somewhere on someone, however they have to do it.
I posted about my interaction with the angry mob here: http://mwfseekingbff.com/2010/03/09/husbands-vs-bffs/
Thanks for writing this!
Liz Deister
Friday, 19 March, 2010 at 13:06This is so true and something we don’t often think about. What a great post!
Kelli
Friday, 19 March, 2010 at 12:46It seems that there is always more power in negative words than in the positive ones (like you mentioned). You can hear 100 “you go girls”, but it takes only one “you suck” to make you question or want to erase all the good things. That’s why we must choose to be impeccable with our words (as The Four Agreements says) and make an effort to say 10 good things for every bad/mean thing we might let slip out. Words are indeed very powerful. We must choose them wisely. And it’s really REALLY hard to do sometimes.
Lindsey
Friday, 19 March, 2010 at 12:46I think it’s interesting that in general I assume my words and observations carry very little weight, while I grant tremendous importance to the words and opinions of others. I think it would behoove all of us to be more cautious about the ways we can impact each other.
Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks
Friday, 19 March, 2010 at 12:36Fascinating post. I agree with you to an extent. I agree that there are certain people floating through the blogosphere who are intentionally malicious with their words. At best, that’s unfortunate. And I think it’s within every blogger’s right to delete those sorts of comments from their blog.
But, here’s the thing. If our sole purpose and goal is to be weightless with our presence, doesn’t that lessen the value of that exact presence? My father once pointed out (and he’s right) that the vast majority of blog comments are overly supportive of the writer. People are scared to disagree, because they don’t want to hurt feelings, so they don’t comment at all if they have nothing positive to say. And because of this trend towards cheerleading-style comments, the overall value of comments becomes diluted.
Personally, I expect and even encourage all points of view to be expressed in my comments. I expect people to be fair in stating their point, even when they disagree with me. My writing is reflective of that expectation. I try to be thoughtful of all sides when I express my view, understanding not everyone is going to agree.
And you know what? I get all sorts of comments from super supportive to disagreeing until we’re red in the face. But, almost none of the comments have felt like a personal attack. They’re often expressed with respect for my opinion and an agree to disagree attitude.
Point being, if we want the blogosphere to be of any value, we need to be open to all points of view. It all comes down to how we express our own views, which translates into the reactions of our readers.
syd
Friday, 19 March, 2010 at 11:50I was at a 4 way stop one morning… my car and another car stopped at the same time. I thought I would be nice and let them go first, so I gave them the ‘wave’ that said…’you go’. They thought I was flipping them off or something and gave me an angry gesture back.
I felt sooo misunderstood! I couldn’t shake it all day…I had conversations in my head with them throughout the week. I argued with them in the shower.
It truly ruined my day.
I really think that feeling misunderstood and then not being able to explain or at least give them your perspective…is one of the most exhausting, energy sapping life experiences. This was on a small scale…but similar experiences happen within significant relationships and it is devastating and super painful.
That silly experience weighed me down…and I wish I could have just said, ‘what a jerk’ and shake it off. But, now I am very careful how I ‘gesture’ when trying to be nice…. so as not to be misunderstood 🙂
Nicole Robinson
Friday, 19 March, 2010 at 10:26Wow. I can so relate to this!
“But have we closed our eyes to the weight of our words?” –wow.
I hate when I say things that weigh others down, especially the unintended hurtful comment that I never meant to say. I pray that it will go in one ear and out the other of the person who hears it, but from the look in their eyes, I know that won’t happen. On the other hand, I find that I never forget criticism of me. Even if I can dismiss it as irrelevant or unapplicable, it’s still there somewhere in the back of my mind, weighing me down.
Wow, words are powerful, aren’t they?!
Well, I hope you have a happy, feather light, and uplifting Friday!