I’m Back.
I’ve been gone for awhile. Too long.
Has it really been more than two months since my last post? Apparently so. The date stamp don’t lie.
What have I been doing with myself? Working. And…
Nope. Just working.
I’m not gonna lie. I do not wear a wild and happy grin most of the time. I wear it sometimes — like weekend mornings and the exceedingly rare weekday evenings when I manage to get home from work before Lil Mil goes to bed — but the rest of the time I wear the glazed half-smile (and by “half” I mean “totally fake”) of a person who is going through the motions. A person who spends the bulk of her day sitting bleary-eyed in front of a computer screen (a PC! Ick!), staring at a contract that needs drafting or an email that needs crafting, wondering what the amazing creature she used to spend every second with is doing. Without her.
Don’t get me wrong – I am happy. Wildly happy, in fact. My daughter is a giggly ball of curiousity who laughs more than she cries. My husband is an even better version of the completely awesome man I married 5 years ago next week. I’m working on a TV project that I’m exceptionally excited about. I’m shopping a novel I’m genuinely proud of.
The problem isn’t that I don’t like where I am or what I’m doing. The problem is that I don’t have the time or mental space to notice where I am or what I’m doing. I’m always either wholly occupied by work or wholly occupied by the desire to be somewhere other than work. And when I’m not at work, I’m working my way through my laughably long to-do list. I’ve given into the momentum of my life, letting it push me along. I’ve started drifting through my days, letting each day bleed into the next, not keeping track or taking note of milestones big or small.
No more.
Starting today, I’m back. Back to blogging, yes, but more than that, back to noticing. To reflecting. To relishing. To cherishing.
To living.
Hope Kidd
Tuesday, 9 November, 2010 at 19:44I’m glad you’re back!
Katherine
Tuesday, 9 November, 2010 at 15:39YAY!!!!
Gina
Thursday, 4 November, 2010 at 10:11What a nice surprise to check your blog this morning and find your post! I’ve missed reading it! Looking forward to you *embracing the moment* and sharing it with us!
Amy
Thursday, 4 November, 2010 at 9:53Glad to see you back!
Amber
Wednesday, 3 November, 2010 at 21:46Glad you are back! I hope the respite did provide you with some dearly needed extra time with that sweet little girl of yours. (That sentence reads so horrible. I hope it makes sense to you.)
Rudri
Wednesday, 3 November, 2010 at 21:43Glad you’ve returned! Looking forward to your posts.
A@Keep Calm and Have a Cupcake
Wednesday, 3 November, 2010 at 15:06First, you’re back! Nice to “see” you again, your words (and you) have been missed.
Second, yes! Exactly this. And by exactly I mean that I just said this same thing yesterday. My last post came about because someone introduced me as “O’s mom” and I had a gut reaction to the words. If I wasn’t writing, I probably would have shrugged and moved on. But because of the writing/blog, I noticed those words, noticed my reaction and really turned it over and over until I could identify what it meant. Writing for me is my way of saying “I was here”. Without it, it all blends into just life.
Nicole Larsen
Wednesday, 3 November, 2010 at 12:31OH AND OF COURSE Ivy League Insecurities. DUH 🙂
Nicole Larsen
Wednesday, 3 November, 2010 at 12:29Hi! So glad you’re back. You know, I only have like 3 blogs in my reader (you, MWFseekingBFF, and Happiness Project), so it gets pretty lonely there without you. 🙁
OK, so this won’t be helpful, but I will say this: My son is almost 2 1/2 and I’m JUST NOW getting to where I appreciate and notice beautiful things. I spent (spend) a lot of (too much) time feeling sorry for myself that I have to go to work. I want to be home w/ my kid. But I can’t right now. And it stinks. So I guess we just deal and keep going.
FWIW, one phrase that has been awarded the honor of being sticky-noted (a verb) to my work computer: RIGHT NOW I AM RIGHT HERE. Don’t know where I got that… *ahem*… but it helps me get through the day. This is just for now. It’s not forever. Soon enough, things will change, mostly for the better.
So we wait.
Kristen @ Motherese
Wednesday, 3 November, 2010 at 12:08Welcome back, Lauren! I look forward to reading more from you, whenever you’re ready to write more.
erika
Wednesday, 3 November, 2010 at 11:30i have missed you so much!!! i was just going to text you yesterday to say hi and see if we could get together. love you!
Eva @ EvaEvolving
Wednesday, 3 November, 2010 at 11:05Yay! Welcome back. I’ve missed you – but completely understand why you had to step away for awhile. It’s amazing how quickly two months can pass when you’re in the midst of major transition like this.
This post? I totally get it. And I don’t have the same level of stress and busy-ness in my life. But I get it. I think a lot about being on auto-pilot, and how to break out of it. It seems so much of our life is structured to operate in this way. It’s practically impossible to find the space – physical and mental – and silence to really reflect and think about the direction you’re headed. In some ways, I think it requires taking actual breaks (even one vacation day that is unstructured) but I also know I need to find ways to *live* my life day by day, even when I’m in the thick of it.
Ginger
Wednesday, 3 November, 2010 at 11:05Glad you’re back!
Lindsey
Wednesday, 3 November, 2010 at 11:03Oh, Lauren, how I know that “half” smile … and I share your ick about the PC I use for work too.
Glad you are back. I’ve missed your voice.
xo
Katie Sturm
Wednesday, 3 November, 2010 at 10:46And here’s to embracing your newest detour! Welcome back, honey. You were missed!
Kendall
Wednesday, 3 November, 2010 at 9:55welcome back!