More and Less (Day #74)
I think more since becoming a mom.
Also less.
I spend more time in thought, for sure, and more time noticing things to think about. I don’t know if this is how I process motherhood or how I come up with blog topics, but either way, I feel like my days are more thought-filled than before.
But my thoughts? They’re less varied than they used to be. I spend less time thinking about great books and great art and great films. In fact, I’ve spend virtually no time thinking about these things since becoming a mom, probably because I haven’t read/seen/watched any. I’ve been too busy booking and blogging and babying. And thinking about booking and blogging and babying.
This bothers me. A lot.
And yet. Am I willing to devote less time to book or blog or baby so that I might have the time to read and see and watch?
No.
And so I sit here, fingers poised over my keyboard, not sure where this post goes from here. Because I have no solution. I want to be a person who cares enough about Great Things to make time for them, but the truth is, I’m not. I used to be. I used to be a person who believed that the living of life occurred in the reading and the seeing and the watching.
Somewhere between then and now, that person became someone who only has time for Small Things. And not all small things – just a few, specific ones:
My tiny daughter. My tall man. My family. My friends. My unfinished novel. My deeply satisfying blog.
My world has shrunk.
It has also expanded.
[Ten minutes pass]
A thought: maybe the living of life does occur in the reading and the seeing and the watching. But maybe it doesn’t matter so much what we’re reading and seeing and watching. Maybe blog posts and baby grins and episodes of LOST are just as good as Tolstoy and Manet and Hitchcock.
Yeah. Nice Try.
[Ten more minutes pass]
I give up.
+ + + +
(How much time do you spend thinking about Great Things? What was the last Great Book you read? Has your present detour caused your world to shrink or expand? Do you spend more or less time thinking than you used to? Are you satisfied with the depth/frequency/variety of your thoughts? What do you do to cultivate deep thinking? Is deep thinking overrated? Am I overthinking deep thinking?)
And so
Eva @ Eva Evolving
Tuesday, 20 April, 2010 at 8:43Lauren, thank you for sharing this. A question that doesn’t have an answer, a blog post that isn’t perfectly wrapped up with a bow. This is life – it is messy and complicated and sometimes there aren’t answers. It’s so reassuring to know great women like you struggle with some of the challenges I do.
I’m a proponent of variety. We need great, deep thoughts and light, silly thoughts. And I think (really, I do) that great revelations are just as likely to come from LOST than from Tolstoy.
Or maybe that’s just my sad justification for loving LOST so much!!
Christine LaRocque
Thursday, 15 April, 2010 at 10:00I like the earlier commenter’s point about the fact that it’s a cycle. It’s true, I find moments where everything fits (not at all once, just a varying times). Sometimes I’ll go on a string of reading really great stuff and other times I won’t have the mental capacity for it (largely due to lack of sleep). But I’m with you. My entire perspective on life, what matters to me, has changed. Not just as it relates to being a mother, but as an individual who happens to be a mother.
I think about this lots, how my capacity for outside stuff has diminished. I’ve managed to get some of that back in writing my own blog, but I miss it. For example, I never read the paper or watch the news anymore. Sometimes I miss it, sometimes I don’t.
Kristin
Thursday, 15 April, 2010 at 7:07You have a different great thing now – Lil Mil. Yes there should be a balance for the great works of the world. A few minutes carved out now and then for “you” time. But right now just watching her grow and change is the most important thing now. It goes so fast. My best friend, who is single, will tell me about this play she has seen, that movie she watched or her weekend in NYC. Sometimes I feel a hint of jelousy but then I pick up my son at school and he come running with a hug and kiss telling me he loves me and missed me. And I know I have the greatest thing!
Rachel@MWF Seeking BFF
Thursday, 15 April, 2010 at 6:55I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I am sans child. And let’s be honest, I spent just about zero time pre-blog thinking about Tolstoy and Manet and Hitchcock. But I thought about STUFF… the stuff I experienced, the stuff I read, the stuff I watched and heard. Now I pretty much think about blog. Blog posts, blog topics, blog links. I think about friends… as in blog topic, book topic. I think about when I am going to find time to write said blog and book. And SINCE i’ve found that I think about this all the time, I actually come up with less. When I first started the blog, and I didnt fret and ideas would just pop into my head. I’d find inspiration in the things I saw and heard and read. But now it’s so much harder to come up with new things to say, because I’m not going to find the inspiration for a new post in an old one. Or rarely. So I’m making a conscious effort to make the book/blog one thing, not THE thing. An editor of mine once told me that she didn’t believe in working around the clock, because if we’re always writing at the computer and not experiencing life, where are we going to find things to write on the computer ABOUT?
The point of this tirade is to say I also think more and less now. But I’m trying to go out, experience my life, and take a bit of the pressure off. At least you’re thinking about a little mini-human life. That is worthwhile stuff.
Rebecca @ Diary of a Virgin Novelist
Wednesday, 14 April, 2010 at 20:50It’s a cycle. Sometimes we have room for all that pondering and viewing and visiting. Other times? We are busy living. It will come back.
Heather
Wednesday, 14 April, 2010 at 20:50So true. So much more and so much less, but I have found that over time those mommy thoughts begin to vary and expand until next thing you know it, you are thinking about books, art, movies and politics that affect your baby, husband, family and then eventually those that simply provoke thought.