My First One (Day #98)

Dear Lil Mil,

We were alone that weekend. Dad was in Ohio visiting Grandma and Grandpa and wouldn’t be back til Monday. So it was just you and me.

Our first weekend together.

I wish I could remember what the weather was like that Sunday morning. What the sky looked like. The temperature. Anything. But I can’t, because the weather wasn’t important to me that day.

I was preoccupied with you.

When you’re a little bit older, you and I will watch Mary Poppins together. I’ll tell you that it was one of my very favorite movies growing up, and that I used to be able to recite every word. And when it gets to the scene early in the movie when the Admiral’s weather vane does an 180 degree turn, I’ll remember that Sunday morning, a year ago today, when my life suddenly changed directions.

I’d gone out the night before for a digital test. I’d taken a regular one that afternoon – the cheapest one I could find – and had spent hours staring at the little white strip, squinting at the ultra faint hint of pink that I could only see if I held the test up to the window and turned it just so. And even then, I wasn’t sure I actually saw it. By Saturday night, whatever had been there had faded to white, leaving me to wonder if it’d ever been there to begin with. So I drove to the drugstore in my pajamas and bought a digital test. I’ll take it tomorrow morning, I decided. First thing.

And 8 hours later, there it was in black and white: PREGNANT.

It was Mothers’ Day. I was a mother. But it was more than that. In that moment, staring at those eight letters, overwhelmed by emotions I couldn’t begin to name, I became your mother. I didn’t know anything about you, and yet, somehow, right then, I knew you.

And, oh, how I loved you.

So this day is our day, sweet girl. The day our journey began. Lord willing, someday there will be other little people who will call me mom. But you will always be the first. And this day, it will always belong to you.

Happy Mothers’ Day, Peanut.



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