The Opposite Is True (Day #87)
I remembered why I’m doing this.
Not that I’d forgotten — I hadn’t. But sometimes in the midst of the actual doing, the reason behind the doing fades into the background. As it should. It’s hard to get things done when you’re busy thinking about why you’re doing them. The Why can be distracting.
So can a moany, kicky (not a word but should be a word) baby.
These things are related.
As you all know, I’m rapidly approaching my Day #100 deadline and I’m wildly behind schedule. So far behind schedule that I’ve abandoned the schedule for a “just get as much done as I can today” approach. I think it’s working. I have no idea if I’ll have a draft complete by May 11th, but it seems within the realm of possibility that I might.
With 13 days to go, every day matters. I’m fighting to stay balanced, but it’s hard not to have tunnel vision. This is important to me. And while it’s not absolutely imperative that I finish on Day #100, the deadline does matter. There will come a day in the near future when it will be time for me to go back to work. On that dark and stormy day, whether I want it to or not (I won’t), the novel will get pushed down the priority list. Way down. Which is why I need to finish this book NOW, so I can transition from trying-to-finish-my-novel mode to trying-to-sell-my-novel mode before my days as a stay-at-home-writer-mom are up. Or – even better – so I can actually sell my novel so those days don’t have to be up at all.
An irony: when I started this project, my biggest fear was that my baby would derail my career goals. Baby and career were at war in my mind. I worried (okay, assumed) that motherhood would require me to accept something Less Than in my professional life. My baby wasn’t even here yet, and I was already looking for ways to manage its existence, so afraid that he/she would get in the way of what I Really Wanted. Now, three months into this mommy gig, I am looking for ways to manage my career, unwilling to let it get in the way of what I Really Want. To be here. To be present. With my daughter. Because of her.
Which brings me back to the Why.
Yesterday, I was staring at my screen, struggling to finish this BFF fight scene that’s giving me so much trouble. Lil Mil was kicky and moany and fussy. She was tired. So was I. Neither of us had slept well the night before. We both needed a nap.
I weighed my options. I could try to get her to sleep in the vibrating, singing, spinning bassinet next to my desk so I could keep working. I could take her up to her crib and put her down for an official nap. Or I could pick her up, carry her to the queen-sized bed that was once in her room and is now in my office, and lay down with her.
Yes, the last option was the least productive. From a sleep-training perspective, you’d probably even call it unproductive. But as we were lying there, foreheads pressed together, both of us dancing on the edge of sleep, a thought popped into my mind:
This is why I’m doing it.
Yes, I want a career as a writer. I want someone to pay me to create stories I care about. But more than that, I want a career that enables me to have those moments with my daughter. Moments I’ll either have or miss. Moments I’ll either be there for or I won’t.
And that’s the irony: I thought motherhood would be at odds with my goal. The opposite is true.
Motherhood has become the reason for it.
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How has your detour changed your goal? Has the goal itself changed or just the reason for it?
Speaking of detours – please send me your detour story! In the spirit of today’s post, I want this Friday to be a tribute to The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me detours. What unexpected event/opportunity/situation was a game changer for you? How is your life better because of it?
Christine LaRocque
Friday, 30 April, 2010 at 4:23It’s a constant struggle for me. After the birth of both my children I stayed home for a year and went back to work. My youngest is only 14 months and I miss him like crazy every day, and yet I’m happy at work every day. The feelings are very at odds with one another and both create loads of guilt. But the fact that you know why you do something makes it easier somehow. I’m glad you took that moment to be with her. I know when mine were just little babies like that that I didn’t take enough time to do that. You’ll be happy you did!
Anne
Thursday, 29 April, 2010 at 14:47Isn’t it amazing when the goals we set move us closer to new realizations…new epiphanies about yourself? But first you have to be aware and open to the contradictions and, of course, “detours”. Great post.
Hope Kidd
Thursday, 29 April, 2010 at 10:42Love, love, LOVE this post! I have goosebumps! I’m not kidding. I love to hear about when other moms have those aha moments where you’re like, “THIS is what it’s all about.” Being a mommy is SO wonderful, and those sweet, snuggly moments we have with our babies are beyond fulfilling.
Eva @ Eva Evolving
Thursday, 29 April, 2010 at 9:28Yes. So true, so beautiful. Lil Mil is why you do this. All those beautiful moments of motherhood.
Rebecca @ Diary of a Virgin Novelist
Thursday, 29 April, 2010 at 7:06Oh Lauren, I love this post! Things are really falling into place for you and I know you will get there.
erika
Wednesday, 28 April, 2010 at 19:37i told you you’d be sleeping back in that bed with her! i discussed it with devon, and with evan, and we all said should have just set it up back in her nursery. hahaha. love you! motherhood really does change everything, doesn’t it?
Missy
Wednesday, 28 April, 2010 at 19:32Lovely. Such a sweet post and one you should print out and hang in your office to read again on those hard days.
Life with children, especially babies, has – for me – been the most difficult, amazing, exhausting, perfect time. Emotions bounce around and compete for the #1 spot, but every day there’s at least one moment like your snuggly nap that makes everything else melt away.
Thanks for sharing.
denise
Wednesday, 28 April, 2010 at 17:59A glorious post. Thank you. “Motherhood has become the reason for it”. Yup.
Rachel Cotterill
Wednesday, 28 April, 2010 at 12:32That’s so sweet. A perfect motivation, really 🙂
Trece
Wednesday, 28 April, 2010 at 12:12I’m just so glad, glad, GLAD for you to see this. Lil Mil makes it all worthwhile. Have a wonderful nap as often as you need it, and remember that (for you) THESE are the times of your life.
Katherine Wolf
Wednesday, 28 April, 2010 at 11:00Such a beautiful post. As I was saying to you last night, I think that every woman deals with this. Motherhood is not a detour, but rather, the reason for ever traveling anywhere in life at all. Relationships – particularly family and your relationship with God – are what give us meaning and a reason to ever do or be anything anyway. So cool that we have all gotten to see that realization in life unfold through your writing.
Syd
Wednesday, 28 April, 2010 at 19:34Yes. Amen to that!
Lindsey
Wednesday, 28 April, 2010 at 9:07I just love this. The logic, the unforseen truth being the opposite of what you thought, and the image of you two dancing on the edge of sleep. Lovely.
Syd
Wednesday, 28 April, 2010 at 7:00What a great revelation to have!