The Space Between
I woke up yesterday morning and wrote a blog post. I was exhausted. I wasn’t even sure the post made sense, but I was too tired to care.
Then I took a nap. A long and glorious nap. And I felt better.
When I woke up, I received two important phone calls. Phone calls that changed my perspective. Phone calls that were each, in some sense, like a long and glorious nap. Refreshing. Reinvigorating. Restorative.
And then I wrote.
And it was good.
When Husband walked through the door yesterday evening, I was smiling. I still looked like the Exhausted Me (a nap and some phone calls weren’t enough to erase the dark circles from my eyes… or sufficient motivation for me to take a shower), but I felt more like the regular me. Still tired. But refreshed. Reinvigorated. Restored.
Eager to ride the I-am-recharging-my-batteries wave, I put myself to bed early. I knew that Lil Mil would wake up at some point in the not-too-distant future, thereby commencing her hourly I-will-cry-for-no-reason-until-morning routine, but it was still early enough for me to get a few hours in before that happened.
I turned off the light, snuggled down under the covers, and closed my eyes.
And couldn’t sleep.
I can always sleep. Sleeping is my trademark move. My go-to plan of attack. When stressed or angry or sad, I sleep. Easily. Often. I don’t even need to be tired when I get into bed. When my head hits the pillow, I sleep.
Not last night.
Last night, I was wide awake. I could have gotten up and attempted something productive, but I was too tired for that. Too tired to do anything but lie there in the dark, wide awake.
And then it hit me. Out of nowhere, a very un-Lauren thought popped into my brain:
This is a gift. Enjoy it.
I say this was un-Lauren because I hate sleeplessness. If I do not fall asleep immediately upon getting into bed, I get angry. With myself, for drinking that afternoon cup of coffee. With Husband, for having the TV on too loudly. With Lil Mil, for crying in the next room. With the washing machine, for making too much noise. With the silence, for being too silent.
I do not enjoy lying in bed, not sleeping but not doing anything else, either. I know some people do. I unequivocally do not.
Last night, I did.
I’m not sure if it was the catharsis of writing yesterday’s post, or the fact that Lil Mil’s new scream-shriek has dramatically reduced the number of quiet hours in my day, but for some reason, I felt thankful for my sleeplessness. Thankful that I had time to think. About everything. About nothing. The freedom to let my mind roam and wander while my body relaxed against the sheets.
I will not be anxious, I told myself. I will not stress about the fact that I will be even more exhausted tomorrow than I was today. I will enjoy this.
And I did. For hours. When Lil Mil finally did cry at 11:30 p.m., I was awake. I stayed awake while she cried and was still awake when she fell back asleep, as well as when she woke back up an hour later, and an hour after that. I didn’t fight it. I just enjoyed the solitude and the silence between cries. At some point around 3:30 a.m., I finally fell asleep. Miraculously, Lil Mil didn’t wake up again until 6:30, when we both got up.
Three hours of sleep. I should be right back in the Exhausted Place (it’s not as if I really left).
But I’m not. I feel … rested. Better than I did yesterday. Better than I have in days.
Exhaustion is not the product of insufficient sleep. Sure, insufficient sleep is part of it. But that I’m-so-tired-I-can’t-think feeling comes from more than a mere sleep deficit. It happens when we feel overextended, underappreciated and out of control. It sneaks in when we’ve tried to do too much, when we can no longer see the trees for the forest (not the same as not seeing the forest for the trees). It’s the consequence of a life lived to the edge of the page, without any margin. Without any space between.
Last night was my space between.
This morning, I am committed to finding more of it.
Rebecca @ Diary of a Virgin Novelist
Tuesday, 8 June, 2010 at 13:26That is the nirvana. Being desperate for sleep but being okay with what one can do the with the time if it doesn’t come. NOT sleeping is my go to move. As a lifelong insomniac I struggle constantly with just accepting my sleep reality. I loved this post.
Eva @ Eva Evolving
Monday, 7 June, 2010 at 12:44Thank goodness – I’m so glad you found this margin! There’s nothing worse than being exhausted. I’m like you: I can sleep anytime. I can always sleep more. I love naps, I love going to bed early. So when I can’t fall asleep (like on Sunday nights) I struggle. But next time I’ll try to remember this bit of clarity. To enjoy the silence and solitude.
abby
Monday, 7 June, 2010 at 9:18The space between — your definition of it (being awake instead of asleep in the wee hours of the night) was just a starting point for me. As I thought about this post all weekend (it really stuck with me), I also took it to mean it’s okay to feel a certain emotion when it arrives. If I feel angry or happy or frustrated or silly, I should revel in it. Embrace it. It’s okay if what you’re feeling or doing isn’t what’s expected for that time of day. If you’re feeling it, don’t shy away from it, run to it and fully feel it.
I’m not doing a very good job of explaining myself, so I’ll just say that your words have allowed a particular freedom for me. Thank you.
Hannah Katy
Sunday, 6 June, 2010 at 16:04For me, who got very little sleep last night, this post made me want crawl up in my bed for an early slumber.. And I just might do that.
Best,
Hannah Katy
TheKitchenWitch
Saturday, 5 June, 2010 at 8:15Like you, sleep is my refuge. When I can’t sleep, I start to panic and then get furious. I’m glad you could find your space between. Have a wonderful weekend!
Lindsey
Saturday, 5 June, 2010 at 6:22Love this. A life without the breathing room of a margin. This rings such a bell. Thank you, Lauren!
Rudri
Friday, 4 June, 2010 at 20:03I know that tired feeling. It’s nice that you can embrace the sleeplessness and embrace the now. I have every intention of pursing the moment I am in, but I am not always successful. I applaud you for going with the flow, something I haven’t been able to master. Or even come close to.
Trece
Friday, 4 June, 2010 at 14:17Hooray for the nap! Hooray X 2 for the calls!! Best of all, Hooray for you enjoying your awakeness, instead of beating yourself up!!!
Weird that Lil Mil is forming that pattern. Any chance that she’s on a growth spurt and hungry?
Glad that you’re recharged.
Kristen @ Motherese
Friday, 4 June, 2010 at 13:20Is it just me who has a Dave Matthews song running through her head? 🙂
Beautiful post, Lauren. I share your feelings about sleep and really admire you for being able to go with the sleepless flow last night. I would never have said this when I was in the middle of it as you are, but in a way I miss those middle-of-the-night feedings for the simple quiet that they (usually) brought. Our lives are so full of noise – literal and existential – that there was something lovely and fleeting about that silence.
That being said, sweet dreams to Lil Mil and her mommy.
Christine LaRocque
Friday, 4 June, 2010 at 12:53God how I get this. I was living that life for months, and just managed to turn it around in the last few weeks. And it’s glorious to have moved beyond it, but in it, oh how it is dark, dark indeed. So pleased you found this, and I hope it keeps going for however long you need!
Sarah
Friday, 4 June, 2010 at 12:41I absolutely adore this post. It is exactly what I needed to read right now. It’s where my head has been. In the space between. The need for more of it.
Amy
Friday, 4 June, 2010 at 9:25I’ve been in that exhausted state all week, but last night, I finally put myself to bed and told myself to just let it all go for a few hours, and today, things are still crazy, but I feel strong enough to handle it.