Waiting For Forever

Posted in: Pregnancy

The last 39 weeks of my life have been the slowest I have ever lived.  I feel like I have been pregnant for years.

If I had spent the last nine months anxiously awaiting the birth of my baby, itching for the day to arrive, then the slow crawl would make sense.  The whole a-watched-pot-never-boils thing.  But I haven’t been.  If anything, I’ve been doing the opposite — trying to treasure and enjoy each day of this pregnancy, knowing that you can only be pregnant with your first child once.  And since the moments you’re trying to savor tend to disappear the fastest, I’ve spent the last 39 weeks waiting for the moment when all of a sudden time would shift into 5th gear and start zooming by.

But it hasn’t.  Time has stayed at a slow, steady crawl.  Days have inched past.  And even though I look and feel more pregnant each day, and even though I’ve officially crossed into I-could-have-this-baby-at-any-moment territory, the fact that I am HAVING A BABY doesn’t feel any more real now than it did at week one.  Sure, in my head I know that by this time next month (next week?), I’ll be someone’s mom.  And in my heart, I already feel connected to this little person inside of me in a way I never could’ve imagined.  But the whole thing still feels so far off.  So remote.  Kinda like the Apocalypse:  something I know will happen eventually… just not today.  Or tomorrow.  Or next week.

(Sidebar:  As I was typing the previous sentence, I got butterflies in my stomach.  That familiar something-is-about-to-happen feeling.  Oddly, I had the same feeling the night before I got engaged, even though I had no idea that Husband was planning to propose.  If I have this baby tomorrow, I might abandon this blog and launch a psychic hotline).

Here’s a question:  does any of this matter?  Is it important that I feel the full weight of reality right now?  Is that a necessary step in the motherhood preparation process?  Will I be more ready for this baby if I can somehow manage to wrap my head around the fact that he/she is coming?

Maybe not.  And yet, right now I so desperately want to feel the weight of what’s about to happen.  I want it to sink in at every level, to invade every corner and crevice of my being.  Why?  Because the moment that happens, I might just be able to look the future in the eye and say “Okay.  I’m ready.”

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