Worth Staying Awake For (Day #61)
I wasn’t going to post today.
But then, as always, the guilt started creeping in.
I know I don’t HAVE to blog daily. I know you don’t expect me to. But for some reason, I expect me too.
Blog Guilt.
I suspect I’m not alone.
But Blog Guilt is not the subject matter of this particular post.
The subject matter of this particular post is the bulletin board I saw at Caribou Coffee this morning. The bulletin board filled with little blue post-it notes bearing the Caribou logo and a question: what do you stay awake for?
The answers ranged from the practical (“writing, reading, weaving”) to the philosophical (“to figure out how to make my future work”) to the honest (“time alone!”) to the heart-wrenching (“to pray for my dad’s cancer to go away”). Reading their handwritten answers, I felt like I knew them, these Caribou-caffeinated strangers. I felt like I understood them.
What we stay awake for says a lot about us.
And so I asked myself the question. What do I stay awake for?
The practical: to feed Lil Mil
The honest: to get some time alone
The philosophical: to pursue my dreams, sentence by sentence
The heart-wrenching: to pray for a dear friend
The brutally honest?
I don’t stay awake for much.
I am passionate. I am driven. I get things done. But I’ve always called it a day at the end of the day. I’ve never burned the midnight oil. I’ve never had to. The day has always been enough.
But what if the day isn’t enough?
What if success requires not only our days but our nights, too? What if the attainment of our wildest dreams demands a few (or many) sleepless nights?
I am 39 days away from Day #100. I’ve given this book 61 days.
I have not given it a single night.
Is that why I’m not as productive as I wanted to be? I’ve blamed this blog and my baby for my lack of progress, but maybe the real reason I’m so far behind is the fact that this novel — and my desire to finish it — doesn’t keep me up at night.
Yes, it motivates me to be productive in spare moments. It forces me sacrifice dinner dates with my DVR. But it doesn’t keep me up past bedtime.
Lil Mil does, sometimes. Her hunger. Her restlessness. Her I can’t get comfy! moans.
My dread that something bad is going to happen to her.
My anxiety about being a bad mom.
My fear that I’m going to disappoint her by not finishing this novel.
And there it is: She keeps me up at night. She’s what I stay awake for. She’s my answer.
I find this simultaneously comforting and discomforting. I like that she’s my answer, but I wish she wasn’t my only answer.
I want to be one of those creative people who can’t sleep until the thing they’re creating is done being created. My dad is like that. I’m guessing all the writers I envy are like that.
I’m not like that.
Do I have to be like that to get where I want to go?
I’m not sure. Let me sleep on that and get back to you.
+ + + +
(Do you burn the midnight oil? Do you think creative success demands some oil burning? What do you stay awake for? What keeps you up at night? Are the two the same?)
Sarah
Monday, 12 April, 2010 at 6:25I have always been a night owl – bed before midnight is early for me. I stay up for time alone – a chance to blog, to read, to watch some TV uninterrupted.
If I’m being honest, sometimes I stay up late because I feel too tired/lazy to get up off the couch and brush my teeth and close the house down for the night!
I enjoyed this post though – and that bulletin board it awesome. It made me evaluate my priorities… I’m glad I got steered over here!
Christine LaRocque
Monday, 12 April, 2010 at 5:23Interesting that I read this post now, as I’m neck deep in several difficult nights. It’s not so muc that I stay up by choice, but that I find when I finally settle into bed at night, that my mind and heart have been racing all day that I have trouble settling in. I’m thinking, thinking, thinking about too many things and I can’t sleep. I’ve never been a nighthawk, even in university I was the early to bed kind. But I’m struggling now to find peace enough at bedtime to rest easy, rest properly.
P.S. I love the sticky note idea at Caribou. Do they do a different question regularly?
JB
Friday, 2 April, 2010 at 12:10I’ve been reading your blog for about a week now (I like it, BTW!) and I wanted to comment on this post because I feel this angst all the time–am I working hard enough to really achieve my dreams? My dreams are in the theater, not as a writer. But still, the creative world.
Anyway…I’ve been thinking a lot about process lately. That the process is really maybe the best part of the work. Sure, I want lots of people to see my plays and to love them and be moved by them. And, yes, I definitely want to get to the point in my career where I can get paid regularly to do what I do (sadly, not as easy to achieve as you might hope!). And I definitely want to continue to improve, to make connections and get jobs–to become fully professional in my field. And I’m willing to sacrifice a lot in order to achieve those dreams. But not my marriage (or the time it takes to keep my marriage healthy). Not my health (which means I have to take time to eat and sleep and exercise). Not my spiritual life (so I have to make time for church and quiet time during my busy weeks). Otherwise, once I get to the “other side”–the place where I’ve “achieved” my goals, what will be left? What will the quality of my life be like? Do I really want to have it all in my career if it means sacrificing the things that make me happy and keep me grounded? No. So rather than focusing exclusively on the end goal, I’m trying to focus on the process. The becoming. The artistic work that I put in day by day that shapes both the play I’m working on as well as my own experience and point of view. By focusing on process rather than goal, I’m trying to cultivate contentment in my life–which I hope will also make me a better artist and better human being!
So all that to say: SLEEP! You are obviously very committed to your craft–I mean, writing a novel with a newborn in the house! Wow! You’re putting in the hours and the pages during the day. If you try to start pushing into the night, the quality of your work and of your life will suffer. At least it would for me!
David
Friday, 2 April, 2010 at 9:35Your dad may stay up all night worrying about a creative issue but I’ll bet he couldn’t get up at 4am — day after day, week after week to write, in the pre-dawn silence, the way you do. It takes more commitment, more discipline, more dedication, and more drive to face the creative day (in the dark) than it does to stay up all night worrying about it. And I’ll bet you don’t even set an alarm.
Let the words flow — it’s a gift.
Rachel@MWF Seeking BFF
Friday, 2 April, 2010 at 7:43This kind of makes me laugh actually, because as I read it I couldnt help but have a “grass is always greener” moment. I am one of the writers who stays up all night. This is not because I am brilliant or uberproductive or “one of those creative people who can’t sleep until the thing they’re creating is done being created.” It’s because I can’t drag my ass to the computer during the day — not when there’s TV to watch, co workers to gab with, tabloid websites being updated. I spend my days jealous of the people who are actually able to do their work during daylight so they can get sleep and treat their bodies well. I’d do anything to be like you, to get enough done during the day that I could sleep feeling good about what I’ve accomplished instead of thinkning “why did I watch Modern Family TWICE today when I could have been writing?!?”
As for blogging every day, I AM WITH YOU. This conversation happens to me daily:
Random Person: Do you have to blog every day?
Me: Yes
RP: Oh, your editor said you should?
ME: No
RP: Then why?
ME: Ummm. I just think I should. The people expect it.
Who are “the people” that I am referring to???? It’s all in my crazy writer head. We put more demands on ourselves that any editor or agent or reader ever would. Ugh.
Rebecca @ Diary of a Virgin Novelist
Friday, 2 April, 2010 at 7:13When I first began this writerly journey – hell, NOW that I am on this journey – I’ve had to let go of what I thought “pursuing my passion” would look and feel like. I think I expected to become a writing maniac that couldn’t sleep or eat until THE WORK was done. Reality? Not at all.
Trece
Thursday, 1 April, 2010 at 18:51Dear heart, I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in over 7 years. No one can adequately explain why. I think I stopped sleeping because of the tremendous stress I was under at the time. Then I hit menopause. I did get some sleep when I began working out, but after that, my knee and shoulder problems reared their ugly heads. The pain is so bad that many nights I just roll back and forth from side to side. I have no meds to take that will the pain away.
Tomorrow I am meeting the surgeon I’ve picked out. I have been holding the intention that he will be excited to work with me. I have also bathed this meeting in prayer. I hope he will give me some drugs that will help, and that surgery will be possible soon.
Even though I cannot sleep, it doesn’t mean that I can do anything productive. . .
Be of good cheer. The words are: and it came to pass. NOWHERE does it say: and it came to stay.
Love, Trece